Selfishness and confusion

I wish I could write something down here... My head is spinning and my world is upside down in a lot of ways but I just don't know where to start... I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling or thinking. My life is a mess and I can't seem to remember how to make it right again 'cause I don't even remember when it was allright.

I wish in some ways I could start over, that I could go back in time with the knowledge I have today and not make the same mistakes I've made in this life. Unfortunately time is a half demention and going back in it is not an option, it just keeps moving forward and the best thing you can do is forgive, forget and move on - 'cause time will even if you keep living in the past... I guess that's what I need to do now... Move on with my life and enjoy it 'cause I'm not getting a second chanse, this one is not a reharsal to learn from and do better in the next. This is my time on this earth and I need to make the most of it... It's so depressing sometimes 'cause in some ways I feel like I've already wasted 18 years of my life and that sucks! I wish I could have accomplished more so I could feel cmfortable with my own life... 'Cause right now I don't... I feel like I'm missing out on my only chance of beeing happy and living the life of my dreams. The life I have today is not enough for me, I want more! This can't be it, no way, I'm not buying it! I want more and I am gonna find a way to get it 'cause I'm not wasting my life on anything less than what my dreams tell me I could have. I want everything and I want it now 'cause this isn't a reharsal and I wanna die knowing that I lived my life to the fullest!

This sounds so selfish and it probably is but I can't live my life the way someone else wants me to or live it only for someone else - I need to be happy with my own life... I hate selfishness and I really don't wanna be selfish, I wish I didn't feel this way but I do... So I'm trying to figure out what this means and how I'm gonna live my life... It's so scary, frustrating and confusing but I need to figure it out and I need to know if it's gonna be worth it. 'Cause I need a life worth living...


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