I wish there was somebody who could tell me how to be happy...

Selfishness and confusion

I wish I could write something down here... My head is spinning and my world is upside down in a lot of ways but I just don't know where to start... I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling or thinking. My life is a mess and I can't seem to remember how to make it right again 'cause I don't even remember when it was allright.

I wish in some ways I could start over, that I could go back in time with the knowledge I have today and not make the same mistakes I've made in this life. Unfortunately time is a half demention and going back in it is not an option, it just keeps moving forward and the best thing you can do is forgive, forget and move on - 'cause time will even if you keep living in the past... I guess that's what I need to do now... Move on with my life and enjoy it 'cause I'm not getting a second chanse, this one is not a reharsal to learn from and do better in the next. This is my time on this earth and I need to make the most of it... It's so depressing sometimes 'cause in some ways I feel like I've already wasted 18 years of my life and that sucks! I wish I could have accomplished more so I could feel cmfortable with my own life... 'Cause right now I don't... I feel like I'm missing out on my only chance of beeing happy and living the life of my dreams. The life I have today is not enough for me, I want more! This can't be it, no way, I'm not buying it! I want more and I am gonna find a way to get it 'cause I'm not wasting my life on anything less than what my dreams tell me I could have. I want everything and I want it now 'cause this isn't a reharsal and I wanna die knowing that I lived my life to the fullest!

This sounds so selfish and it probably is but I can't live my life the way someone else wants me to or live it only for someone else - I need to be happy with my own life... I hate selfishness and I really don't wanna be selfish, I wish I didn't feel this way but I do... So I'm trying to figure out what this means and how I'm gonna live my life... It's so scary, frustrating and confusing but I need to figure it out and I need to know if it's gonna be worth it. 'Cause I need a life worth living...

going deep...

I have this silly little dream that fairytales do come true - that there is a happilly ever after...for me.

I have this silly little dream that Prince Charming will find me one day. That someone, somewhere out there is meant for me.

I have this silly little dream that one day show up to save me and sweep me off my feet and life'll never be the same.

I have this silly little dream that he'd make me perfect, that he'd complete me.

I have this silly little dream that our love would be perfect, that we'd never yell at each other and never lay hands. That we'd always love, trust and respect.

I have this silly little dream of a familly built on true love and of putting each other first.

I have this dream of raising girls who would respect themselves and other. Of raising boys who'd treat girls right and be the gentlemen their sisters would set their standards from.

I dream of waking up to the man of my dreams every single day of my life. Never spending one night apart.

I have this dream of growing old together with the only man I've ever kissed and the man who knows me better than anyone ever will. The man who sees me and loves me for who I am and who understands me - no words needed.

I have this silly little dream of love at first sight and beeing persued like the treasure I am.

This silly little dream of mine has not yet been crushed or broken. I could still have the life, the man and the familly of that silly little dream...

De senaste veckorna har på nåt konstigt sätt handlat om romantik i mitt liv. Inte romantik som i att jag är kär utan som i att jag sätter upp mål, drömmar och krav på hur jag vill att tomantiken i mitt liv ska se ut... Jag har förlorat mig i Taylor Swifts vackra texter, skrivit dikten ovan och tittat på filmen Drear John och önskat mig en framtid som i mina drömmar. Jag har önskat mig att få vara skatten i någons liv, att få vila i någons trygga armar och att slippa gå igenom livet ensam. Kanske kan det verka som en liten löjlig barnslig dröm men den är min och den kan fortfarande bli sann...

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